Charm is like a social lubricant. When you've got it, no one notices. The only visible evidence is that the people in your life are more cooperative, welcoming, trusting, and eager to be with you. Without charm, your interactions can be abrasive. There can be unnecessary anger, hostility, mistrust and opposition, leading to premature break-ups and failures.

If you lay it on too thick, though, it's yucky and repulsive.

Charm is communication conveyed by what you say and what you do, how you say it and how you do it. To be charming, you must communicate a specific message to others in your life. You must convey that You are important to me You are interesting to me Your well-being comes first to me Your relationship, just being in my life, is important to me

If you're like most people, you're reading this because you want other people to feel that you are important and interesting, and you want others to put your interests first, to love you and make your life fuller and more rewarding. Not a problem.

When you are charming to others, the message behind the communication is this:

The way I make you feel is a gift. If you appreciate the gift and want to reciprocate, then treat me the way I treat you and make me feel the way I make you feel.

And it's a powerful message. In Influence, the Psychology of Persuasion, the first "weapon of influence” that Robert B. Cialdini lists is reciprocation, the psychological urge to give back as we receive, and he says its "one of the most potent of the weapons of influence around us.” Dale Carnegie, How To Win Friends and Influence People, gives example after example of how you can use charm to make your life better, and to improve the lives of others around you as well.

Here's the bottom line.

If you learn to interact with charm, you will set the stage for others around you to reciprocate. As you show interest in others, they will find you more interesting As you show kindness in others, they will be more kindly toward you As you show respect to others, they well be respectful of you As you show you are willing to cooperate with others, they will cooperate with you